Waiting for Hari

just can't wait any longer

This is the kid. Hair cut like a marine and playing her emotional hand very close to her chest and possibly holding on to that crib for dear life. What did they tell her when they took those three pictures?

This is Xiao Xhi Kuang last September, 2005, when she was about 4 3/4.

posted by Suz @ 10:29 PM 0 comments

falling in love

Sometimes it amazes me that I can fall in love with a picture. I have so few expectations except that she tilt her head the way that it tilts in one picture, that she is as serious at times as her pictures are, that she can round her arm in ballet class the way her arm is rounded in a picture, that that her toes are a munchable as they are in a pictures, and that she has a good face. I would so love to hear her laugh, see her smile, know she likes to sing, or talk, or run around like a crazy one. And this is from three little pictures that I seem to have memorized. How I would like to spread this feeling -- I would like to give everyone that I care about the chance to jump off the cliff and allow the angels to catch them. I do not think I have ever taken such a chance. And if I expect anything, it is that the angels will be there with bells on!

posted by Suz @ 3:39 PM 0 comments

to do list

The home study made it home today. D called me at work in Chicago to let me know. I am overjoyed. That means that it probably made it to the CIS and our wait for fingerprints and our I-171 has begun.

Next Line!

I keep hoping for DTC in April. But it is all up to the gods right now. Oh, the gods and federal employees at the CIS, and later my agency and the translator. And later still, the CCAA.

L wrote today that S and M were asking about Zhi Kuang. This must be real if kids are getting involved.

Still having an awful time with focus.

Just started the travel research. I feel the time of waiting stretching before us without limit, but then again, I feel like there is so much to do before Zhi Kuang comes home to us. Reading adoption stuff, attachment studd, education stuff, getting her room fixed up and a few clothes, learning Chinese phrases, getting some idea of Chinese culture, and the travel stuff. And hey, that novel.

Okay, to bed.

posted by Suz @ 11:45 PM 0 comments

LOI

We are LOI! Our letter of intend, for formal request to adopt a specific child from China, has gone via email from FTIA's computer to China's CCAA's computer. At another agency this might have gone out almost two weeks ago, but FTIA wants the home study done. The fact that they can email it may speed the process up so one way or another, it will be in China. Maybe even now, someone in China is translating (or is it done here??) our request and our promise to love and care for her.

I am have lots of trouble focusing both at work and writing at home. It may be understandable with all that is going on but it is a drag. I need the novel finished and I need my worklife to be incredibly stable.

And I am incredibly fat!

Okay, back to focus and work and not eating and being really happy that we are claiming our girl.

posted by Suz @ 1:49 PM 0 comments

toes

I have been looking at the little girl's face. The way her head tilts. How high her chin is held. He straight arrow gaze. I am not sure what it says -- fear, defiance, spirit, daring. Her arms not at her sides but one reaching back holding a crib the other holding on to the hem of her shirt. Her legs planted apart. But I didn't see her toes until today. I've so tried to understand the language of her body that I did not notice that what I took for sneakers is really slip on sandles. And I can see her toes! And they are lovely, lovely, lovely toes. It is a new part of her to see and to study. Good even toes. My daughter has toes!

posted by Suz @ 11:25 PM 0 comments

end in sight

I gave the last document that we have to create, our financial form, to J to notarize. The home study should arive at our house this week, and D will take the 6 documents now ready (med forms, criminal checks, home study, and financial form) to the Sec of State to certify. Next week, I'll bring them to the Chinese Consulate to authenticate. And then we are done with the paper chase apart from our CIS documents. When I concentrate on the process, pushing each piece of paper along to the next step without much regard for the future, I feel useful and fine.

Not so hysterical today about wait times and closing programs. Not ready to shop for clothes and decorate the room yet, but not is dispair. This process had been described as a roller coaster by so many people and it is true. Here we are committing ourselves to a little girl who is still in no way ours. Once our LOI goes to China and it should this week with our completed homestudy in FTIA hands, we can hope for a PA, pre-approval, which will mean that she is a little ours. I will be able to post a picture, and maybe feel a little more sure about giving my heart away. Of course, my heart has lept at the opportunity to be lost to the little sad face and almost deviant pose.

According to the HS agency, the Indy CIS usually takes about a month to process forms once the home study is in. Would this be so, we could be DTC, documents to China, by the end of April or the beginning of May. It would only mark the beginning of the real wait for Travel Approval which right now has been as high as 145 days for a few people, but at least we'd be on that queue. I don't relish waiting. I am sure I will be crazy, but I waited with J and she survived a rediculously long wait. We can do it as well.

posted by Suz @ 7:13 PM 0 comments

clouds with a chance of storm

I have been spending too much time surfing the adoption sites and blogs and yahoo groups. Especially the ones that have a downer feeling. Adoption from China is slowing down. The regular program is going nuts with wait for referral times climbing from last year's low of 6 month to a year or more now. People are scared that it might go to 18 months. And everyone wonders why. The most rational reasons like not enough paper ready babies would be lovely to imagine. Not lovely for those waiting, but if it is that, it is a temporary situation which can be eleviated in a number of months. CCAA is moving, reorganizing, adding employees and so training -- any of they is rational and short term. But there are those suggesting that it is political. That China doesn't want to look like the baby supplier of the world, that China doesn't want to see itself portrayed as the country abandoning its children and needing the world to bail it out. I don't understand much of what is going on, but what has been nagging at me the last few days is that if the reason for the regular program slowdown is reasonable and temporary, then why are special need waiting times going up? This kids are identified and as paper ready as you can get. Why are dossiers for targeted kids languishing in rooms in China for 100 days? It is then that the political reasons start to make sense. And this was what I thought we were avoiding by going with China. This was why not to look at VietNam or Ukraine. I wanted the program to be predictable, unpolitical, and very stable. I did not want to wonder if I was abandoning my heart to a child I wouldn't bring home, or chose a child under any kind of pressured circumstances. I wanted to adopt in the most peaceful and organized manner that I could. And now, I wonder if we are diving into a pool of sharks who have no concern for our hearts or the heart of a little girl who may be waiting for us.

posted by Suz @ 5:58 PM 0 comments

rumors and names and october traveling

A week or two -- I have been hounding my social worker, bugging the doctor, and checking in with my coordinator more than I really need to. And the problem is the unfinished home study. It was the doc's fault. How dare she move offices when I needed a form filled out! She did. I can't stand the loss of control and the domino-style procedure. Ok, I picked up the medical form just before 5 so that tomorrow I can give a copy to the social worker, so that they can finish the HS, so the HS can go to FTIA AND to the CIS. Then, and only then, we can get out LOI to China, and more importantly, our I600 will get processed.

Looking at the calendar, finally and seriously for the first time, I don't see us traveling until October. Bummer big time. I wanted Ches to go with us and she will be at school then. And how I hate the thought of Zhi Kuang taking so long to get home but there is nothing to do, nothing at all.

Lots of rumors of nsn referrals. China appears to be slowing down. CCAA gives no reasons at all. No one know anything but a blogger keeps all rumors alive. Interesting.

Names, names, names. There are rejects --

Katherine -- Ches didn't like it. Like everyone and her mother. And she'll be called Kat
Anna -- David first thought of this and then dismissed it
Annie -- Some one will connect it with little orphan Annie, but then a touring company of Chinese girls doing a production of Annie is some concept
Cora -- David says it sound like a cleaning lady
Collette -- Well, I like it today. Exotic and very distinctive. Doesn't lend itself to nick names.

posted by Suz @ 7:54 PM 0 comments

At Saturday's agency meeting, I did what every other mother does -- asked the women who were watching their children if they wanted to see a picture of my little girl and they gathered around the three small pictures of Kuang -- who may be Katherine Zhi Kuang, to be known as Katie Kuang. (Koo-ang) They oo-ed and ah-ed and pronounced her beautiful. Is she? I never know with my own.

posted by Suz @ 10:09 AM 0 comments

soft garden day

Today was as soft a day as I could have wished for. Since Thursday we have been thinking and talking and wondering about Zhi Kuang. She has come to us with such a vague and sketchy report. If it could only say something of her mental development and personality. Then on Friday, I was emailed the file of another girl who is 7, and takes very good pictures, and has a report with much more explanation and description, and both of us felt guilty, as if we were betraying Kuang. I let out cries for help, but our decision had occurred without our knowing it. On Saturday, I went to a FTIA waiting parents meeting. The meeting was boring with nothing I did not know and waiting parents who asked stupid questions. Read, I wanted to shout out loud, Read! I have questions as well but questions beyond the very basics. Still, the meeting afforded me an opportunity to meet a few mothers with girls who were there running around and playing. Some of them were born in the same year as Kuang, and were about the same size. Oh, she is a peanut. One of the mom's had been to Nanang; her daughter from the same region as Kuang. And I looked at all the little girls and was more in love. That night a mother who was traveling to Kuang's SWI next week emailed and offered to try to see her or talk to those at the orphanage. She has no assurance that she will get to the orphanage, but she might. She might not see Kuang, but if she tells them she wants to see her, maybe they will make it possible. And maybe, we will get another review. How I would love to hear that Kuang is a smiling, running child, full of life and fun. And last night, we also did adoption work -- making corrections on our home study, doing our financial sheet, and checking and filing. I will pick up our employment letters from the Chinese consulate tomorrow.

And then today was soft. I went out a little past ten to clean the garden. There was still a soft fog blanketing the garden and the smell of fresh dirt and spring. Snow drops are in full bloom and during the next hours crosus bloomed as did my pink forcythia. I listened to Chinese for mommies and cut down grasses and cleaned leaes and old stems. It was so wonderful to gt out to work the soil. I was so much at rest. Sure we are following a path, laying down steps on a certain yellow brick path.

We are sending Kuang's file to Dr. Jenista tomorrow. I hope she finds some different or better translation, I hope she sees more than we do in the report.

We are so close to committing and falling recklessly in love with Zhi Kuang.

posted by Suz @ 12:06 AM 0 comments

This next happened yesterday, but I did not feel comfortable publishing it on the blog until now:

So, I am looking at a picture of a little girl. She has Hep B+ which is a sn we could deal with. It is not as badly chronic as it could be which is good. A doc will look at that side of things for us. The Growth and Development report is okay. She seems normal for a five year old. A peanut but not skinny. She is fostered and calls some of her foster family by their family names. She eats and sleeps well. She can turn book pages one by one. And that is it! There is a check list that says she is timid and talkative, a deep sleeper, asks what is it on her own initiative, knows cold, tired, hungry, red, two color, big and small, male and female. She is restless, fond of initating, and obstinate sometimes.

Is she my daughter? D wants to know more, but of course, we have all there is to have. All that we will get to make a decision. The pictures are sweet but only a tiny bit of personality shows through. Very tiny amount. Is she quick to smile? Does she joke? Does she like doggies? Is she inquisitive? Does she want to grow her hair -- she has quite a crew cut.

So I wanted a sign. I know, I know, who gets signs? So I was standing in the middle of the kitchen and I said, yes, out loud. "J, I needs to know. I need some kind of sign to help me to know for sure." I have a running monologue with my dead neice about the adoption.

I was getting ready for my book club to come over and when I was finished, I went to the compute and someone had sent me a message about the meaning of this child's name. This woman wrote, "One of my daughter has Zhi in her name and it means quick and clever we were told." It took me a few minutes, but then I was laughing. That was what I was concerned about! Is she bright, smart, clever, quick?
_________________

That was yesterday. And so much more has happend. As it happened, I had written to another agency about a 7 year old that I had heard about. I received the file today via email, and what a cute kid! The report was fuller and there was a real feeling of a person. I researched the agency some and was not pleased with what I found out. I wasn't at all sure I could go with her.

Another dilemna -- how can you look at the agency when it is the child you are adopting. It would be like deciding not to give birth because you couldn't find a good OB/gyn. Really nuts.
So I think the 7 year old is not for us.

Tonight, D and I talked for a long time. He is still concerned about the Hep B need. I need him to do even more reading. I am pretty comfortable about it and found another web site for him to check out. I've also the name of a doc in Michigan who sounds great and has been recommended by other adoptive parents. Either that doc or the one in Indy will look at the meds.

But still, what about this kid's personality??? Mental Development?? I can't feel comfortable pushing D into this. I want us both to be sure. I hate to turn this kid down. I look at her three little pictures and it could be of a child that had never been before a camera, she could have been just timid and scared, she could just be dull. I don't know if I can ask for anymore of my agency. I don't know if they could get it. I will have to ask at the meeting tomorrow.

posted by Suz @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

is she my daugher

This next happened yesterday, but I did not feel comfortable publishing it on the blog until now:
So, I am looking at a picture of a little girl. She has Hep B+ which is a sn we could deal with. It is not as badly chronic as it could be which is good. A doc will look at that side of things for us. The Growth and Development report is okay. She seems normal for a five year old. A peanut but not skinny. She is fostered and calls some of her foster family by their family names. She eats and sleeps well. She can turn book pages one by one. And that is it! There is a check list that says she is timid and talkative, a deep sleeper, asks what is it on her own initiative, knows cold, tired, hungry, red, two color, big and small, male and female. She is restless, fond of initating, and obstinate sometimes.

Is she my daughter? D wants to know more, but of course, we have all there is to have. All that we will get to make a decision. The pictures are sweet but only a tiny bit of personality shows through. Very tiny amount. Is she quick to smile? Does she joke? Does she like doggies? Is she inquisitive? Does she want to grow her hair -- she has quite a crew cut.

So I wanted a sign. I know, I know, who gets signs? So I was standing in the middle of the kitchen and I said, yes, out loud. "J, I needs to know. I need some kind of sign to help me to know for sure." I have a running monologue with my dead neice about the adoption.

I was getting ready for my book club to come over and when I was finished, I went to the compute and someone had sent me a message about the meaning of this child's name. This woman wrote, "One of my daughter has Zhi in her name and it means quick and clever we were told." It took me a few minutes, but then I was laughing. That was what I was concerned about! Is she bright, smart, clever, quick?
_________________

That was yesterday. And so much more has happend. As it happened, I had written to another agency about a 7 year old that I had heard about. I received the file today via email, and what a cute kid! The report was fuller and there was a real feeling of a person. I researched the agency some and was not pleased with what I found out. I wasn't at all sure I could go with her.

Another dilemna -- how can you look at the agency when it is the child you are adopting. It would be like deciding not to give birth because you couldn't find a good OB/gyn. Really nuts.
So I think the 7 year old is not for us.

Tonight, D and I talked for a long time. He is still concerned about the Hep B need. I need him to do even more reading. I am pretty comfortable about it and found another web site for him to check out. I've also the name of a doc in Michigan who sounds great and has been recommended by other adoptive parents. Either that doc or the one in Indy will look at the meds.

But still, what about this kid's personality??? Mental Development?? I can't feel comfortable pushing D into this. I want us both to be sure. I hate to turn this kid down. I look at her three little pictures and it could be of a child that had never been before a camera, she could have been just timid and scared, she could just be dull. I don't know if I can ask for anymore of my agency. I don't know if they could get it. I will have to ask at the meeting tomorrow.

posted by Suz @ 11:31 PM 0 comments

turtle days

There are moments that I believe that it will never happen - - that we will never finish this damned document gathering. What a mountain? I have no touch at all with the idea of a child at the end of this busy work – the certification and authentication is the worst. Going or mailing from office to office, waiting on endless lines to find out that you do not have one thing that was not in your instructions, and then waiting for the paper to come back to you. It is not about proving that you will be a good parent, but it might qualify you for some government job. In the midst of these feelings yesterday, C, a colleague at work noticed an adoption book on my desk, and asked if we were thinking about it. I think she expected a negative reply; I told her of our plans. And then, because I told her I also told M. But I was in one of these bureaucratic moods in which the connection between paper gathering and child is nil. Congratulations seemed very out of place – had I been offered a paper clip, I would have understood. Today, is different. I am gushy, again in love with the person I do not know. I am wondering where we should move to in Chicago. Feeling terribly at home in this city in general. How wonderful to live in it with a child. We will go to museums, take art classes and see ballets. I want to find a school, a home, and people who might speak to her in Chinese to see if we can keep her language. I worry about our handling hard issues, worry if she can’t learn English, worry that she will not like Chicago or school or even us. Worrying how C will handle have a home in Chicago. But these are the silly mother worries of a pregnancy, nothing serious.

Today, I went to the consulate in Chicago and waited in a long line to authenticate two documents. It was a test run and a good one. I now know that I need a copy of a picture id with me. I should come between 9-10:30 a.m. I expect to do another run when most of our documents are together, and then do a last run when our I-171 comes. Maybe I will expedite the last document, but only one! God, do I feel like a turtle.

posted by Suz @ 4:58 PM 0 comments