the best of us
He was the best of us. Jimmy Brennan. I met him when we were both about 14 and through high school and part of college, I marveled at his talent. He was a song and dance man. More talent than skill, but gathering skills along the way. School was wasted on him, he should have . . . Julliard? Northwestern? Something on the west coast? In truth, he learned what he needed to know as he went, performing with his age peers and then venturing further and further aground until he left us altogether. I think he was doing road shows when the rest of us were still struggling with auditions. He was equity; he was talent to contend with; and if I remember, he also was married very young as well. I was so sure that he would be the star of us. If no one else made it, Jimmy would, and I would say, "Ah, I knew . . ."
Now and again, I've seen his name on shows, NYC shows, but last night, trying to make lexis work, I started looking up people from my past. I was not in the right data base and I couldn't even find myself, but before throwing it in for the night, I googled James Brennan. Why, I am not sure, but I had not heard about him as a performer for years. He is directing, choreographing, working. He does what I might have done, or is that fantasy. Did he have to be on broadway to direct at the Papermill, at the Godspeed?
Just a slight pain, a lover that can still bring on the remanent of pain. Art is worse than drugs; no 12 step program. Then again, why in the world would I want it washed out of me completely. Sweet pain, and still a good musical number can make me cry.
I've been thinking since we've gotten back from Connecticut that I am not balanced, that I've lost my bearings. It's been a small but growing feeling that I had no idea of what to do about it. So my body seems to have taken over -- I have a rather nasty case of shingles going down one leg, and on Monday evening, walking with a friend in Chicago, I tripped, fell, and as I found out today, fractured my right wrist. Yes, I've lost the balance in my life. I am also awfully grumpy because I can't see the entire plan. What kind of an adventurer gets shingles, breaks her wrist, and is rather grumpy about ambiguity?
so much for kvetching!
tumbling forward
Is transformation always a good thing? I've been exhausted this week after a weekend in Connecticut to visit the kid. It was delightful; I ate too much, but had a wonderful time talking to her and just hanging out with her and friends. But I come back to Chicago and almost immediately take a tumble on the street. Tripped. My theory is a loss of balance, loss of a center. This is part of change but it is very scary. I remember gaining weight during pregnancy, changing body shape and feeling the same way. I have no idea right now whether I need all these changes. Going places that I had no idea I would go.
In a dance workshop class I was in during the summer, I was running across the dance floor -- one of those nice floors with that black rubbery material. Something that feels good on the feet -- grip and strength. I was running and lost balance leaning forward. I knew I was going down, but it took a very long time. I kept running with a strange possibility to righting myself. Not at all in slow motion, but a long drawn out fall. When I reached the ground, there was no surprise at where I was going to wind up, but some shock about time -- how long was it? Was it some angels?
I have no idea where I am going. Living now, not projecting where it will lead to -- all very hard, but no way at all to make a guess. I imagine finding that threshold or have I already tripped over it?
