Waiting for Hari

This next happened yesterday, but I did not feel comfortable publishing it on the blog until now:

So, I am looking at a picture of a little girl. She has Hep B+ which is a sn we could deal with. It is not as badly chronic as it could be which is good. A doc will look at that side of things for us. The Growth and Development report is okay. She seems normal for a five year old. A peanut but not skinny. She is fostered and calls some of her foster family by their family names. She eats and sleeps well. She can turn book pages one by one. And that is it! There is a check list that says she is timid and talkative, a deep sleeper, asks what is it on her own initiative, knows cold, tired, hungry, red, two color, big and small, male and female. She is restless, fond of initating, and obstinate sometimes.

Is she my daughter? D wants to know more, but of course, we have all there is to have. All that we will get to make a decision. The pictures are sweet but only a tiny bit of personality shows through. Very tiny amount. Is she quick to smile? Does she joke? Does she like doggies? Is she inquisitive? Does she want to grow her hair -- she has quite a crew cut.

So I wanted a sign. I know, I know, who gets signs? So I was standing in the middle of the kitchen and I said, yes, out loud. "J, I needs to know. I need some kind of sign to help me to know for sure." I have a running monologue with my dead neice about the adoption.

I was getting ready for my book club to come over and when I was finished, I went to the compute and someone had sent me a message about the meaning of this child's name. This woman wrote, "One of my daughter has Zhi in her name and it means quick and clever we were told." It took me a few minutes, but then I was laughing. That was what I was concerned about! Is she bright, smart, clever, quick?
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That was yesterday. And so much more has happend. As it happened, I had written to another agency about a 7 year old that I had heard about. I received the file today via email, and what a cute kid! The report was fuller and there was a real feeling of a person. I researched the agency some and was not pleased with what I found out. I wasn't at all sure I could go with her.

Another dilemna -- how can you look at the agency when it is the child you are adopting. It would be like deciding not to give birth because you couldn't find a good OB/gyn. Really nuts.
So I think the 7 year old is not for us.

Tonight, D and I talked for a long time. He is still concerned about the Hep B need. I need him to do even more reading. I am pretty comfortable about it and found another web site for him to check out. I've also the name of a doc in Michigan who sounds great and has been recommended by other adoptive parents. Either that doc or the one in Indy will look at the meds.

But still, what about this kid's personality??? Mental Development?? I can't feel comfortable pushing D into this. I want us both to be sure. I hate to turn this kid down. I look at her three little pictures and it could be of a child that had never been before a camera, she could have been just timid and scared, she could just be dull. I don't know if I can ask for anymore of my agency. I don't know if they could get it. I will have to ask at the meeting tomorrow.

posted by Suz @ 11:31 PM