28 June 2006

waking early

Waking early this morning with a few minutes of meditation. After a crumpy day yesterday and a dear email from David and an evening dinner with Robin and family, I don't want to be out of sorts when there is so little reason for it. Yes, anxious and inpatient, but there is so little reason to go from there to not being comfortable in my own skin. And so, and so, I start the day with a smile and a little peace. Early to work today, and early home. It will be more than good to see David and Ches, more than good to be home, more than good to take a few days to do the chores and errands that are part of my known daily round.

This is our 7th week of waiting for our TA. Day 44. Hopefully, more than half way there. And then China.

smile.

27 June 2006

life sucks

I am not going to even read what I wrote last night, not able to sleep and plenty cranky. Now, I am only worse. I have not been home since last Wednesday and I am homesick. Work is driving me crazy. Even mail is not on my side -- usually by not getting any. Yesterday, I received the renewal notice on my Chicago lease. Ach! Oy! I don't even know if I will have a job here or if it will be half time, AND they are raising my rent as a high rise goes up along side of my side of the building so I will have a wall to look at. Today, I can't even look at the corrections that M has made on my drafts. And I am suddenly afraid of everything. And I don't want to do anything. Julia's room is not finished, I have not lost weight, I have not learned enough Chinese or read enough books, I am still confused about commas. Life feels like it sucks.

I know, I know. This is just today. It is over re-acting to everything and it will pass. IF everything goes as it should (and what are the chances of that??), we should leave for China in 7 weeks. I don't know if I can wait. I would like to hibernate for this time. Then, at least, I would have lost some weight and caught up on sleep.

And I don't have my ipod so no music in my head. And I waste time all the time.

26 June 2006

if only I could be cranky to someone

Day 42 of the wait; the beginning of week 7. And I mope. Feeling a little sorry for myself. Missing family after almost a week in Chicago. Had a wonderful time with Robin and kids -- the wonder of 4 and 6 year olds. Free to speak, to ask questions, to shower their grownups with love, to pout and cry when tired, bored, or unsatisfied. Ah, that is just where I am now. Cannot sleep after deciding to make it an early night. Not satisfied with what is going on at work. One day I am sure I am a lousy lawyer, next day, I am sure it is not me. Not moving forward on my list at a speed that satisfies me, and yet, I know if I was done with everything and no TA had arrived I'd be climbing the walls. I keep telling people what I think will happen and also caution that there is no guarantee, but of course, I am depending heavily on what usually happens. For me, I am sure of guarantees. Not ready to pack yet, not losing weight, not exercising enough, not doing enough work, still painting to do, still gardening, still needing to figure out how to childproof the house. And I stand pretty numb, pretty still. I am cranky. If there was someone to cry to I would, or pout, or moan.

21 June 2006

english

Your Linguistic Profile::
45% General American English
30% Yankee
15% Upper Midwestern
5% Dixie
0% Midwestern
What Kind of American English Do You Speak?
So it might be that I am going nuts. Or maybe this sort of knowledge is important? I mean, I am adopting an non-English speaker. Shouldn't I know the kind of English I speak. I understand the general American and the Yankee, but the upper midwestern? And where did the 5% Dixie come from? Maybe I live a fuller life than I imagined.

10 June 2006

China itinerary


A sample itinerary for China:

3 nights in Beijing. Tour the Great Wall, Summer Palace & Forbidden City, see Chinese acrobatics.

Go to the capital of the province where Julia is for about 5 nights. For us it will be Nanchang in JiangXi. Tours are optional. It all depends upon the orphanage director as to whether we actually tour the orphanage, where we could meet Julia there, and whether we will meet Julia's foster family. It is probable that we will just stay in Nanchang and they will bring Julia to us.


Go to Guangzhou for 4-5 nights. There might be some optional touring here. There is a ton of shopping to be had. White Swan hotel is surrounded by small vendor shops. This is where we will have your Consulate appointment.

Cars


Cars -- the movie with Marcia, Matthew, and ShaDiamon. And dinner before, and shopping for tile with Marcia before that, and painting before that. A Saturday.

05 June 2006

so now I'm counting.

So now I'm counting. I can laugh at myself. The weekend was lovely. Shots and movie on Friday with Cheshire and Linde; painting, swimming, and a quiet evening at home on Saturday; and Sunday in the garden. Now, I am thinking of Julia all the time. Saw a mom at the JCC
with an Asian child -- and Ches teased me that it was just like me, like us, but that mom was OLD. Ha! Swimming and watching Shadiamon. Enjoying her for herself but also trying to project like crazy. Two months by my reconning, two months and we will have her.

My garden is a mess and it will stay that way. I will try to do more annual planting to take up some space -- maybe a few less weeds that way because those weeds flourish! Something pulled out a few of the petunias that I planted in the front garden. It makes no difference I planted so many, but it seems senseless to pull them out and very sad. The white garden looks out of place with the fense pulled back and will require a re-do. I don't know when because it is a major job. Fall? I think I plan for way to much time when I am on maturnity leave, but it will just go on the list. I would like to plant bulbs with Julia. I hope I can make that work.

Time is stretching out and contracting at the same time from minute to minute. Surely those minutes and hours are not the same length.

02 June 2006

time passing

I am aware that time if passing -- days, weeks now since LID -- but I am not yet counting. I could. I could be on the verge of meticulously marking days off on a calendar, but I work at using this time wisely and begin to make lists to check off. When we went for Mai, I had little lists -- my responsibilities were negligible -- adult medication and pictures. Still, I made lists and gathered what I needed and then was done. That was a time when we were supposed to leave in April -- and I worried about missing Cheshire's birthday -- and instead left in August -- missing the beginning of school and a camp show. There was so much time from the end of lists and when we left, from packed bags to leaving. This time, I hope for more order, regularity, but also keep the previous experience lodged inside. I know there are things that go wrong, I know there can be set backs, and miscarriage is still a possibility. I am just cautious.

Julia Zhi Kuang's room is roughly painted. The blue ceiling and lining of the walls is calm, cello tones. A light navy blue holding the potential of the dark shade. The lilac insets are reedy, merry, sounding like a clarinet. I hope to finish the painting this weekend and the predicted rain may push me on.

Then there is the furniture -- a little table, two chairs, a big doll house, and the bed frame. David, Cheshire and I will all take pieces and paint. Not Jim Jones' work on Cheshire's baby table, but something from our hearts.

I have nothing to write of Julia. We will send off her box this weekend, but that is not of her. I have little fears but no more than when I was pregnant.

At book club last night, we talked of Julia. My friends told me I said Zhi Kuang nicely, sounding beautiful. Who knows if it is a pronounciation that she will answer to. Donna said I might start a rash of adoption. Well, that was what Jen did for us. Strange this urge to parent. It is our survival as a species. The knowledge that there are children who are not individually loved and cared for is a clarion call. It stirs the soul. We do not escape its sound.